Who · are · you · to · call · ME · crazy?

i utterly forget to update on here anymore. But then (light bulb a moment ago) it may be because for so long i only came to livejournal when i was hurting, so i associate it with painful things and thus avoid it like the plague. Maybe.  Who knows?

The BDSM group thing really worked out. There are many more of us in the area than i originally thought, and i've made some really GOOD friends in the group. We went to an EVENT not too long ago, which was a blast and will be repeated next year. Hopefully more of our group will attend next year. i so had fun, even with the getting lost while all dressed up part.

The children are growing like little weeds with attitudes. My oldest is eleven now, and alternates between being Mom's best friend and hating Mom's guts. Whew, gotta love pre-teen behavior.

Well...for the moment that is it for me.

My fingers think they are tired of typing. lol

Locale:	home
Moment:	sleepy
Tunes:	Roter Sand

This is gonna be short and sweet, cause i think i'm gonna drop the public use of LJ altogether and just use it for me, private like. 

i'm not homeless anymore. i have a 3 bedroom apartment. GOOD rent amount, they pay lights and water and garbage pickup. My kids are, for the most part, here with me when i'm off work. 

i am dating their Dad. Yes, i know that's wierd. But it's working and we're not hating each other's guts anymore so i don't care about it's being wierd. i guess i'm just not good at being married....or maybe we both aren't. Anyway, i'm happy. 

i'm working my butt off (at the hospital, in the ER) but never seem to have enough money. Mostly cause gas is outrageously blasted expensive and i drive all over creation every flippin day. Blech. 

If anyone who happens to come across this should want to actually talk to me or keep up with me or anything, 

i am on myspace. The email is 

shatterbrat@yahoo.com

and if you just let me know it's ____ from LJ, i'll friend you. No big deal to me. It's just that it's too much work for me, trying to decide what's ok to say in which forum and won't offend the natives too badly. 

Any which way...i'm going to go lay down for a minute or two, gotta work tonight and haven't been in bed yet. LOVELY. lol

Moment:	contemplative
Tunes:	flutes

"The shortest distance between two points is always under construction."
- Noelie Alite


"I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe"
- Anonymous


"Where am I going? And why am I in this HANDBASKET?"


"To avoid delay, please have all your symptoms ready."
- Anonymous - Notice in an English doctor's waiting room.

"If I Promise to miss you ... Will you go away?"
- Anonymous

"The beatings will continue until the morale improves."
- Anonymous

"The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent."
- Anonymous

"An internist is someone who knows everything and does nothing.
A surgeon is someone who does everything and knows notihng.
A psychiatrist is someone who knows nothing and does nothing.
A pathologist is someone who knows everything and does everything too late."
- Anonymous


"The problem with reality is the lack of background music"


"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
- Anton Chekhov

"A fanatic is a person who can't change his mind and won't change the subject"

"Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat." - Garfield

"I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. I think I saw God."


"Never judge a book by its movie."

"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
- English Professor, Ohio University

"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
- English Professor


"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."

"Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away."


"I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't that good."

"I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there."


"Maybe this world is another planet's hell."


"A dirty mind is a joy forever."

Once you put your hand in the fire
you can never be the same.
There a certain taste of pleasure
in a little bit of pain.

We swear in peace and love to stand
heart to heart and hand in hand.
Mark, O spirit, and hear us now
confirming this, our Sacred Vow.

I just....need to learn to do it without the dress.

What am I, fly paper for freaks?!

Well fuck a duck.

Bloody fuckin hell!

There is no once upon a time, and this is no fairy tale. (mine)

I wanna fuck you like an animal, I wanna feel you from the inside.

There's one in every crowd, and I'm usually it.

If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it.

Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

Even if the voices in my head aren't real, they have some damn good ideas!

"I'm nuttier than squirrel turds too" DMD

"I don't know, was I stoned when we watched that?" - Waylon

As of Friday, June 22 2007, I am single.  Or at least, I'm assuming that's the way it works. That's the date the court appearance was, anyway, so that's what I'm marking it by. 

It was like, this huge weight off my shoulders.  I don't have to WORRY about that anymore.  And right now there are so many things that i DO have to worry about that i am marking each thing that gets "done" individually. 

If only i could get paid now instead of having to wait.  Grrr.  Means i'm gonna have to go and sell plasma and i've never done that before and it makes me nervous. Oh well. Needs must and all that, i suppose. 


Well, i just wanted to have an update on here with that  "official-ish" date on it. Loves n hugs n all that mushy stuff!!!

Moment:

tired

I have been diagnosed with latent tuberculosis.  Inactive TB, in other words.  It means that i caught TB at some point but it hasn't....er...matured. I've just got the germ in me. So I have to take a 9-12 month round of meds that could possibly cause kidney or liver failure and that MIGHT keep me from REALLY getting sick.  Thank the goddess, the meds don't cost anything or i'd be screwed. 

Moment:	shocked
Tunes:	Fall Out Boy

I just want to...spew on here a bit. Possible drama, be warned.

My husband - 
     My husband can be a royal asshole at times. He's not a bad Father, not even a bad man. But when he's around me it's like his personality does a complete 180 and even his family doesn't know him.  I will not go into details, it hurts me to do so and serves no functional purpose. He has been a stay at home Dad for the past 4 years. I have been working almost constantly. I missed my younger two children being babies because he would not get a job and let me stay home with them.  I met him in high school where he played "knight in shining armor" and rescued me from my very assholian parents. I honestly do not think we would have looked twice at each other if it weren't for them and the drama they caused in my life.  Husband, being raised the way he was, could not look the other way and leave a female in distress. Even when said female was the antithesis of everything he liked and wanted. Us, together, was a colossal mistake that resulted in three wonderful children.  Because of them  I would not change a thing. 

Me-
    I can be a pain in the ass, no matter who's ass is in question. I have MPD and a version of bipolar disorder. I sleep between three and five hours a day (five being maximum and rare), can't stand the color orange or the smell of butter, and don't like meat most of the time. I am so wildly different from my husband in EVERYTHING that it's amazing it took this long for one of us to actually leave.  In that house, I was a basket case. It was so normal for me to be crying in a corner or the bathroom that not even the two year old paid any attention to it any more. I was going absolutely crackers dealing with him.

I just could not deal with the screaming and anger and nagging and...well...shit any more. I was approaching "gone nuts, please leave a message" point real quick. Everyone in his family and mine hate my guts about it. I'm sure they all think I'm selfish, i don't really care what they think. My kids come first and then me But I was literally going bugshit with all the stress at that house and trying to work at the same time and take care of the kids and everything else? Making me fuckin nutty, honestly. To the point where I just told him what sort of schedule I want them on and left it up to him. Drove down here.

I don't wanna hear any shit about it on here, believe me i'm getting enough. it was necessary, trust me. Nutty mom NOT good for kids. 

Well....off to listen to some ICP.  

love, and all that. 

Blue

Locale:	FL
Moment:	horny
Tunes:	ICP - every halloween

i still want to cut myself. Not all the time but...often enough to be really worrisome. i try not to think about it at all, to decrease the temptation. When i can't HELP thinking about it I turn on music, crank it up and wear myself out dancing with the kids and cleaning and working out. That helps but i worry about the WANT still being there. Does that mean there's something wrong, really wrong, with me still? Is it something i need to worry about?

i kicked the cat the other day. It was yowling and twining around my ankles and tripping me up and all of a sudden my temper just...snapped. And i kicked the cat. It was like...losing my rational mind for just a moment. During that moment Critter went from being "tiny, fragile thing that i must protect and be patient with" in my mind to just some THING that was bothering me. It makes me feel ill now but my regret does not negate the fact of what i did. i lost my marbles long enough to hurt a living thing.

Sometimes Waylon is...unpleasant to be around. i have a tendency to "gild the lily" when talking to others about him. i don't know why. He's a great guy to begin with. Sometimes his temper gets the best of him but that happens to everyone. He just...yells a lot when that happens. Currently i think he may be depressed. Mood swings, sleeplessness, constant exhaustion, headaches, irritability. It is understandable too, given out situation. We're broke most of the time, i'm working all of the time, the van has decided to fall apart, amd he's always at home. And his Dad is driving him bugshit as usual. Add to that the fact that i'm not doing particularly well as a wife right now and who wouldn't be depressed?

i'm not really a good wife at all. He's a better cook than me, way better. i don't remember to wash clothes as often as i should. i despise doing dishes and sometimes ignore them in the hope that someone else will come along and take care of them. i start things and forget to finish them. i don't HAVE a sex drive lately and when i do sex with me is...complicated. There are several places on my body that i can't stand to be touched at all, like the top of my back. Sometimes i'm a snuggler and want romantic fluffy bunny sex and other times i NEED violence and control on his part. And those times are completely random. The poor man never knows what to expect anymore. Equally random are my reactions to the kids. Sometimes i'm extremely patient and lenient with them about everything. Other times i could just strangle the little monsters for almost no reason. Both extremes really get on Waylon's nerves. i work nightshift which means i sleep during the day. i do that because i can not sleep at night most of the time. That makes life harder on Waylon for some reason, though i'm not sure what the reason IS. i only know that he HATES me being on this shift.

My parents do not know that i'm not Christian. i haven't told them. i despise fighting with them and that would start one. Also, they are swimming in their own troubles right now and i don't want to make it worse. *laugh* They also don't know i'm bi, i don't think. i know i said something about it once but that was when i was having my big breakdown and they may have not understood or even not heard what i said at all at that point. i am ashamed of hiding from them still but not yet brave enough to change the status quo.

There will probably be more installments of this sort as it is easier for me to say what i want in here first before i say it to a live face. Sort of a practice run for the therapy sessions. It's sad that i have to practice opening up to someone.

Oh well. It's hours past my bedtime and i'm gettin dozey.

Love and hugs and all that mushy crap.

Locale:	comp desk
Moment:	tired
Tunes:	little einsteins

I do not understand how our government can say that people who are gay should not have the right to marry. A comparison for you:

-----There used to be seperate toilets and restaurants and seats and social status for people who were not WHITE in America. We changed that and now it is illegal to discriminate against people for the color of their skin because it is accepted that all people are created with eqaul rights.------

------People are refused housing and employment because of their sexual orientation. It is not safe to walk alone in a LOT of places in America if you are of a noticeably different sexual orientation. Homophobia is encouraged in the US military. Same sex couples are denied the right to marry like "normal" couples.-------

Having already stated our position as a country on the issue of discrimination and eqaul human rights, one would think we would stand by it.

Or is it to be, once again, one set of rules for them and a different set for us?

The stress in the phrase "Human Rights" belongs on the word HUMAN.

Moment:

confused

There is a bulletin going around myspace called "so called friends" . This bulletin works on the premise that real friends will read the bulletins their friends make and follow the directions. i just wanted to say, in response, BULLSHIT.

i barely read personal posts, much less bulletins. i simply can not remember to do it. That has nothing to do with whether i like anyone or not and everything to do with my real life. i am a busy person. i work. i have children. i do things other than get on a computer to read.

i just had to vent my irritation a little bit.

better now!

Locale:	living room
Moment:	energetic
Tunes:	shakira - hips don't lie

And then there was the thing at work with the paramedic which just tore me all up. i was putting papers down on the counter in the room of a person who was..er..impaired and a bit violent. i was within arms reach of this patient and was fully expecting to be grabbed or smacked or something. Instead the paramedic reached down from beside/behind me and hugged me. i was startled and may have flinched a little but i thought i handled that rather well. i just looked up and asked him why i got a hug. He shrugged and said cause i was there. And then asked me if that was a problem. i said that i'm just not a touchy-feely person and don't usually like people doing that, but i'm allright. i walked around him and picked up my clipboard. Right after he just reached down and hugged me again! i was so...so shocked/startled/angry that i sort of stuttered at him. Then i'm damned if he didn't lean down and kiss me on the temple. He grinned and said, "Does that throw you off too?" Then i finally found my voice and said "Yes!" and left the room. i was just...a disaster. i had to go and sit in front with my boss for a good 20 minutes. Could not walk by the room. He was wrong for doing that and i know it but i still felt like i over-reacted a little. i mean, nausea is not the normal response to those things. Bleh.

Locale:	the living room
Moment:	cold
Tunes:	stupid commercial

i have begun seeing a therapist again. He is...easier to talk to than the last one, as well as more understanding of what i am talking about. Progress is being made slowly but surely.

i have started back on medication, although this time it is only one medicine. Zoloft. Currently i am taking 50 mg a day with an eye toward possibly upping it to 100 mg a day on the next visit.

i have begun writing in all of my various journals again, though still not as often as before. i am trying to achieve a balance in my life of what time is spent where.

i have begun seeing an old friend again who i missed rather terribly. We have been friends for literally YEARS and are just now renewing that friendship after an extended period away from each other.

i've formed the beginnings of a friendship with someone at work who happens to have something along the same line of beliefs/religion as me. This, for me, is a novel thing because it has been a long time since i have been brave enough to allow someone close enough to me to think about friendship. It feels like a huge leap of faith and i am glad to have finally made it.

At the same time i am experiencing a definite rise in paranoia at certain times in my day. When i am driving home, for instance, i feel frightened that there is someone or someTHING in the back seat that i can not see. Logically i know this is not the case, as i always check in and under my vehicle before getting into it. That knowing does nothing to dispel the fear though. Several times now i have caught myself verging into the territory of speeding because i am in a rush to get home and OUT of there. This is, perhaps, something i need to talk to the med nurse about, and possibly the therapist as well. i am determined to have faith that it will work out, just like everyone else.

Well, i've stayed up an hour after getting off work now and am very tired. i believe i will go to bed now. Good night/morning

to old friends and new.

Locale:	Home, desk
Moment:	exhausted
Tunes:	Fan in the background